How Parents Can Help Kids Ask the Big Questions


By Eugene C. Roehlkepartain

“I can do it myself!” That’s a phrase we typically associate with young children when they learn to get dressed and eat breakfast. Later, they might use it as they start riding a bike or reading a chapter book.

As children grow, they start to think and do more on their own, including in matters of spirituality and religion. “Spirituality” is defined in many ways, including connectedness to one’s best self, to humanity, and to a higher power or a nonmaterial world, all of which bring to life a sense of meaning, wonder, peace, and purpose.

As children begin to form their own ideas of the religions they encounter and as they formulate their first spiritual questions, that can be an uncomfortable, even scary, time for parents. Parents and caregivers of elementary-age children usually say they want their children to think for themselves. Then, in the next moment, they become anxious or frightened that their child might make spiritual choices that differ from their own.

In those moments, it can be tempting to press the “control” button — doing everything you can think of to keep your child from straying from your preferred path. Even if we wished we could redirect our children so easily, rarely is that effective. As part of becoming their unique selves, children need to explore, discover, and try things.

Spiritual Development in the Elementary Years
In between early childhood and adolescence are the relatively calm middle childhood or elementary years, when many things seem to settle down for most children, roughly ages six to 12. They can, in fact, do more things on their own.

Despite the relative calm, these in-between years are a time of significant growth. Among other things, children are changing how they think, including how they understand themselves and others. They become increasingly self-aware (and self-conscious) of values and personal characteristics. As a result, they can take more responsibility for their choices, paying attention to what’s important to them and to others who are important to them. All of these developmental issues connect to children’s spiritual development, especially when spirituality is viewed holistically. 

What’s a Parent to Do?
While you might be tempted to try to push your child back onto the path you hope they will take, a healthier and more rewarding approach is to recognize, even celebrate, the ways children are growing and learning. Along the way, you experience their discoveries of who they are and who they are becoming. Here are some places to start.

Let Your Child Lead
As children grow, they develop cognitive and moral autonomy, thinking more for themselves about existential matters as they try to make sense of the world. They can’t just do this instantaneously; they need practice.

If your family has regular spiritual practices (such as prayers, readings, or service activities), ask your child to lead occasionally. Invite them to join discussions, and respect their perspectives. In addition, children can have a say in how they want to say their prayers, ritualize their morning or bedtime routine, memorialize a pet, or remember somebody they loved who died. All of these ways of giving children a sense of voice or control help them develop their own spiritual identities.

Reflect on Your Self-awareness
Children are beginning to develop their own sense of themselves, but they also care deeply about what their parents or caregivers think. Your reactions to them can encourage their growth or shut it down.

Does your child feel safe in bringing up ideas or questions that are uncomfortable for you? How do you respond when they say something that contradicts something you believe? Are you able to listen to them, hear them out, and ask follow-up questions? Or do you cut them off and try to change their mind? 

The more you can help them “talk things out,” the more it will help your child feel safe, valued, and free to explore with you. Once you’re in the right mindset, you’re ready to really listen to your child’s thoughts and experiences. Too many adults’ first reaction when children ask big questions is to give them the “right” answer, even when we’re not sure what they’re really asking (or that our answer is right!). 

Let Children Be and Think Like Children
Your child will not and cannot understand spirituality or religion or similar concepts the same way you do as an adult. They still think more concretely than you do as an adult. They don’t have the same information you have, and they don’t process it the same way. They may understand prayer, meditation, sacred writings, or other spiritual practices differently from how you know them. That’s normal, and there’s no need to worry or try to change how they think.

As they grow older, they may ask questions that suggest they are moving beyond their current understanding. You can be ready to delve into new levels of critical thinking about these same topics with them at that time. The good news is that you, as a parent or caregiver, have a tremendous influence on your child’s life. You may not see it right away, and there are no guarantees. Your child will develop their own identity on their own spiritual path, but the seeds are there to be nurtured.

This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Click here to read the original article.